No, I’ve been meditating for 66 days continuously now. If anything I can say that it has been having some or maybe no difference at all in my daily life. However, the one change I can definitely tell is that I don’t have any expectations from the practice. In fact, this post is written for the very purpose that I am not going to unravel some great mystery about the universe by this practice. However, I am going to continue to practice every day. I think the expectations one has from life, relationships within that life, and then the outcomes from those expectations are serious detractors in life. The frequency of posting here definitely has decreased and I will attribute that to work getting started all over again.
This post does however mark the merger of my own personal notes and the blog that I am now maintaining as my physical journal. My body of work which will remain after me. Hopefully, someone going through the same trials and tribulations will be able to use this as a reference and not make the same mistakes or perhaps use the steps I took to make it a wonderful life. For me, it was a poem that shaped many of my ideologies since I was young. Not all but some.
“A moment there my buoyant heart hung slack,
And then the glad, barbaric blood came back
Singing a livelier tune; and in my pulse
Beat the great wave that surges and exults …
Why I was there and whither I must go I did not care.
Enough for me to know
The same unresting struggle and the glowing
Beauty of spendthrift-hours, bravely showing
Life, an adventure perilous and gay;
And Death, a long and vivid holiday.”‘Swimmers’ by Louis Untermeyer
In other news, I have a few drafts that are pending publication here on this blog but I am encouraged to write and write more often. I think I will now write with a sense of urgency because I know that all this privilege I have been afforded should not be wasted. In a related story about making life better each day, I am now almost back to regular running. I did feel something funny in my ankle today but hopefully, the little kinks will unravel as I get more time stamping the tender grounds. Aerobic in Zone 2 is the fad of the day. Perhaps I can get 8 kilometers in each day.
Today was a rushed experience. Yesterday was pathetic from the meditation perspective. I was disturbed and the night that followed was a testament to that. Today however was not bad but felt rushed and not completely immersive. In other news, I have to prepare a response, and what at first felt to give me the jitters now seems like an opportunity that I’m somewhat excited about. The plans for the new year are somewhat in place. I would say they are “penciled-in”. To the fifty of you who are reading this, even the bots or semi-humans welcome to the ride that is authentically a curated experience. I hate to say but the fact that this can be read and will be read changes the way I write about it.
I don’t know what to think about them but they have definitely made me think about thinking.
Today was interesting to point at something that wasn’t supposed to be there. I wish this sense of calm that the body feels would be ever present. Not for me but the body. Are those two experiences separate? I don’t know
Perhaps this new state of continual introspection will help me in my new role at work. The new year will be a new job but it’ll be more than that. I know 2022 will be special. I’ll be able to do things that will rise the tide for everyone around me.
These days I’m at an intellectual refresher and this seems to be compounded by the fact that I’ve been meditating for 25 days continuously now. It might well be the longest streak that I’ve ever meditated for and I don’t think it’s going to go away. At the same time, this mental frame seems to be a bit restrictive and exhausting. I thought it should be liberating and serene.
Combining case studies with this frame of mind might do me good but I’m not 100% sure about this. I think the meditation sessions are going to have an impact over the long term. They’re not something that is so… immediate.
BJJ seems to be coming back up on the horizon. I say that all the while knowing that if I had ten extra hours in a day, I still wouldn’t be able to partake in the joys of that physical endeavor. I hope something good comes of all these things and efforts coming together. Many more unexpected miles to go. This phase seems intellectually stimulating but it is only a phase or maybe not.
Meditation was late in the day today and I think it wasn’t easier. I think when I get to it later in the day my back acts funnier than when I get to it earlier in the day. Meditation comes from the word meditor or that which means to remedy. I’m not sure what I’m remedying here but its practice takes me places that while I know to exist are not necessarily obvious or top of mind.
About empathy – While it is important and I realize it’s required it should not be apparent at every moment. Sometimes the object of my empathy might feel relegated to the depths of despair because of my manner. However, I wonder what is more – my concern or my attempt to remedy.
When one is thinking about thinking it is not hard to get distracted in visions of thoughts. My mother’s feet then turn into the edge of a chair that should be right in front of me yet I realize that I have not looked at it the whole day. It could be easy to read into these things but I know these are only consequences of neurons firing and trying to observe the action of themselves firing. At some level it will not be possible for the subject to become the object even if the subject realizes this all the while. Does it then mean something specific when my thoughts turn into a peacock and run away from me? What I was left with was the image of its behind with a wrapped up plumage taking those long steps with the hind of its legs visible and surprisingly resembling those of an ostrich. Perhaps I’m just making that last part up. Perhaps not.