Goosebumps

I had the first goosebumps in a long time. I was listening to Xibalba by Clint Mansell (for The Fountain). It broke my heart and repaired it at the very same time. Every crest and trough took me through a torrent of emotions. I had to put on a playlist with all the songs for The Fountain. Every memory of the character played by Rachel Weisz struggling with the question of mortality. It taught me so much. So much was absorbed by the emotion conveyed by the acting and the story. Every day I’m further away from what I had imagined my life to be. Today would not even have been if I’d have lived according to my wishes. What are these tears? What are you doing here after all these years? I thought I had forgotten and you had forgotten me. I didn’t know that I would still recognize my desire. This passion to step in, up and away with the fire. Every string had it’s story but they all came together to say something in a tune that everyone could interpret in their own way. Today my stomach is full and I’m gloating in what the future will bring me materialistically but I’m lost.

I was scarred and life was taken away from me. I was given options I didn’t ask for at the time. I was being watched yet I didn’t acknowledge anyone’s presence because I was convinced and then I forgot. I kept forgetting till only a small sliver remained. And so I went against the grain that was ingrained in me. Now I’m unique and different but I don’t recognize myself in the mirror. I have come far away and I have almost forgotten the way back home. The tears they dry up in the sweltering heat. What I see in the distance is only a mirage like the ten that I just crossed by in the last thirty years.

Did you get my communication? How did you not respond, why isn’t the universe getting back to me for what I’m trying to get to it? Where did tou vapourize after getting my communication? You didn’t burn away like a dying star youd didn’t send out those gaseous vapors like a black hole. You only emitted darkness like dark matter. Were you not curious what would come of me? Did I not capture enough of you when I noticed you? Has this galaxy become another dark corner of the universe just as monotonous as a planetary system harboring life for you? How would you ever recognize me when I come back again in a million years? I know I provoked you but didn’t you ask me to prove my gravity? How many such systems have gone by and yet nothing has come of them for you? What are we transmitting to all these atoms if there is no resonance? Why should we collapse into each other when the expanse is vacant in other parts of the universe? Why are we bringing ourselves more suggesting by keeping each other in the loop? Shouldn’t we move on and just get on with our wretched lives? What is another few hundred light years? It’s not because of my family or yours. We’re just a result of yet another pair of lost molecules that weren’t meant to be.

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